O big sky!
Be clear
Don't make any lear
Be blue
It is 

Stuck at place

Never going to believe this is happening to me. I don’t know what to do and how. I am not confused not that much. I have not done anything to make people remember me or praise me. I am not perfect in anything and know many things. I think I make my life is getting worse by wasting time and not valuing it. Nobody is interested what I do or not. I write very simple English and breaking German.

Earlier, I wanted to learn everything. But eventually, this learning has lost its way

My thoughts are scattering without any direction. My mates are moving ahead in their lives. Look at me I am stuck here at one place. It just I don’t want to run in the race of rats. Instead of it, I want to make my own path to move on; gives me satisfaction to do that work. It is the reality that nobody looks after looser and average ones. Everyone does flattery to successful people. It is a bitter truth which I see everywhere. I am not complaining about it. It is another route to lead a good life. I don’t have the quality to butter others. In this hectic schedule of life where everybody is running to reach the highest place; I am on the other end, want to write. It is a long time since I write. It is the only activity I want to do.

IT'S JUST... I DON'T KNOW

        IT’S JUST… I DON’T KNOW!

           

I don’t know where my life going. I am very afraid whether I would be able to have my big shot in life or not. Actually, it is of mixed feelings. I mean why we have to do all of this – to be perfect, well earned and educated, settled. Sometime I think this is not for me. I want to be gypsy and want to explore each and every corner of world. I want to see different color of life. I want to feel each hiccup of life. I know this world is full of many shades of life – happiness and sadness, goodness and badness or we can say mixture of something and something. Why does it matter? I mean this life will get over somewhere when we get old like the last word of last chapter of last page of book. But the process of running behind position will never be over. Everything is left behind like friends, habit of eating chocolate, relationships, mom, dad, family with respect to time. And when we look at our tight fist of hands and open it, we see nothing. It seems that every precious moment we spent with our loved ones is just slipped away like sand of time. I am that passenger who is standing alone in the world of desert but nowhere to go. As when I look around I see only emptiness except forlorn sun and begging land. So that sun let it free from its ruthless hunter of rays. With all this hindrances I decided to walk in the hope that I could find my way and get my place of esteem. And I never stop myself to be my own so that I could dig out my way on my own. In the situation where everybody is just trying to be fit in some place, I want be my own destiny digger. No one can change your life except you. And this is what all that matters. It is important to be yourself to remain with yourself.

ANOTHER STREAM OF THOUGHTS

ANOTHER STREAM OF THOUGHTS

Why all this happen to me? This question is roaming in mind like a bee around a flower for its juice. This reaction of mine is not important for anyone. Why do I find myself so miserable whenever this question comes into my mind? The arrival of this unwanted restlessness makes me dry towards everybody who is around me. Sometimes I feel that it’s just a result of over thinking which I thought become nature of mine. But I don’t want it to be burdened on me. This feeling is eating up me from inside. You know Jenny sometimes I feel frightened to share this loneliness with someone because they would not understand the psyche of my mind. I am telling you because I know you will not judge me on this. You will remain same but with less empty pages. This is quality of yours I like most. Whenever I fill with combination of many thoughts you show up with another empty page so that I can write down dilemma of my heart. I feel assure that there is someone who considers me human. You are the one who doesn’t stop me to express emotions of mine. At least you don’t think that I can do nothing. You are the one who will be there with same setting of my thoughts whenever I would try to look back. You will not be busy whenever I try to look for someone to share my feelings. I will be free to do so because I consider you my friend. Let me tell you that it feels very terrible when I had to go through two different destinations of thoughts and I had to choose one in between them. At that time whenever I look for some guidance I find no one. May be I am not the one who is going through this same process. May be everybody goes through it but with different form of variables. Now I feel free to share and say that I got you my friend who makes me friend without any expectation and who accepts my illogical perspectives without any argument.

ANOTHER CHANCE

ANOTHER CHANCE

I am afraid of commitments. It takes out every bit of you. I am not poet. I am not a writer. I am just a person who is frightened of love. This feeling to love someone sucked you sometimes. This love comes with a mixture of many feelings. You feel happy when he is with you, in you, into you. But this kind of dependency gives a bitter pain which pinches your heart like a syringe when he is not with you, not into you or left you forever. You feel weak and helpless. And you think you should probably die. There is nothing left in your life. May be this is your first thought after your break ups. But at that time you give it a thought and cancel your plan to suicide. This decision may avail you another chance of falling in love once again. May be at that time you became ready for another heart break. That was my first thought and fear to go to the path of red roses that is love. So, I had decided that I would never do it. But incidents occur especially when you don’t want them to let happen. But it did. I fall in love once again with life, with family, with nature, with country and with him.

                                                                                                                                                                        

SILENCE

It is silence subduing me

This silence is not good for anyone

It is dangerous for genocide of whole community

Let me tell you that this silence is overwhelming

It is getting vulnerable by the time passed on

And it frustrates me truly

I think it is a villain for my thoughts as it killing them from inside

It is like a quiet Tsunami that is blowing in my mind

This unbalanced everything – order and action of my mind

It is so detestable for my inner integrity

My only wish is to break this silence and move on from it….

NATURE IS LOST

Today I feel writing

Storm had come

Nature is angry

Oh! My beloved Nature be calm

My heart is unstable

Oh! I consider you my mother

So,

Dear Mother console my restless heart

Natural storm and this instability is killing me

Today is reunification day

My thoughts and words are combining

They want to penned down in golden words

This is the thing I cannot stop

They are very desperate to get out in the world

I know there is no rhyme

There is no rhythm

But I am writing

Because I feel like writing

I don’t my beloved Nature to be lost

Oh! Nature you soothe me, love me

I am your daughter

Take me in your arms

I am full of tears

Don’t let me down

It’s just you, just you, I am thinking about you!!!

SOMETIMES I THINK

Sometimes I think what would happen to me if you were not there for me

I would rather die if you won’t hold my hand in the crisis

My heart starts beating since you came in the life

Otherwise, it has become like stone which is hard but full of cracks

Cracks of wounds that might not be healed if you were not came in my life at the right time

Sometimes I think what would happen if you won’t spell the magic of your love on me

Let me tell you my love that If you were not there what kind of and how my life would be

I would rather live my life as a patient lies on a bed in comma

 I just breathe without feelings

I would live but without a purpose

“But I can’t take it anymore” I said to him.

How can I tell you my love that now I am dying of this disease

Even yours hard and passionate love can’t save me

O my lover I love you so much that I can’t see you in pain to see me in pain

So I have to hard on you to keep away you from my miseries

You may hate me for this but I always do opposite to you

And now I think I will be away for forever when you would read my last words of love

A LETTER THAT NEVER SEND TO FRIEND

Should I start this letter like

Dear Nisa,

I am good here and hope you are also good…

But in this case of letter I would like to start with normal beginning and ending as follow.

The paper I never want to tear off. The friendship I never want to break off. I just want to tell you, my dear friend Nisa that our friendship will remain same forever. No matters what we think about each other, I will always consider you my best friend in this journey of learning new experiences of life. Of course, with respect of time things will change - may be the meaning of our friendship too. You will make new world of friends and this give me feeling bonding level that we used to share has changed. And we have lost connection with the things and feelings we used to share. I don’t know where we will be in future. Really do not know about it. But I will miss you. Does not matter whether we talk or not, I assure you that our friendship will remain persistent. I promise you my dear friend. For a long time, I want to share this with you. It is weird that for sharing this feeling I have to write this letter. But I will not send this letter to you in the hope that you will come to me and I would say all this to you.

Can I Talk To You Jenny

Hallo Jenny! Can I talk to you? Today I woke up early. My eyes were opened. It seemed that I slept without a memory and rose up without a dream. I just lied down under the blanket and thought what is it!!

Am I living without a goal? Do I have a remembrance? Or I forget to see dream. It seems that I do not remember anything about anybody. Then I noticed that everybody is gone. I am the only one to be here. At that time I thought that it is only an illusion. I pinched myself so hard and I saw my room was deserted. No one was there.

I was afraid. Then in a meantime I heard a terrible voice. It was like someone is calling you for a help. I could see the big shadow of that person. It had big teeth and nails. It had long tail and cloak which was hanging around his body through his neck. Then I saw some skeleton dancing weirdly. I was terrified. I thought that today is my last day of my life. My heart was beating so fast that one could hear it standing near me. I was shrieking with my eyes closed. In the meantime they pulled me up and carried to some place. I did not open my eyes yet. I was sweating with fear. Then I felt they throw me on soft surface feeling like grass. Then I pulled the shutter of my eyes up and saw it was no one else but my best friend who came back to India after finishing her post-graduation from Germany. And she did all this drama in order to surprise me. I was not surprised but shocked. I was angry and my goose bumps stood up like spikes.

But I forgave my friend after getting beautiful black gown. Ita to chalta hai!

Discovering, Exploring and Finding Yourself

IT’S TIME FOR STRANGER TO SAY GOODBYE

Oh Anonymous! We were strangers before getting known to each other

When there was no one, I saw that stranger there

At that time I thought we are not strangers anymore

I know you and you know me

And this acquaintance would remain forever

But things change so that you

We have made our own rooms which are different from each other

There was struggle to get fit into these spaces

And this change the meaning to get to know each other from outsider perspectives

I knew from that moment it’s better to be unknown again

It would always be better to leave the things on time

And it’s a time to finally say goodbye!